31 May 00, 4:15 pm

[Dano]

A pervading sense of disconnection, of not being anchored to reality.

I've got 3 books I'm in the middle of reading, a poetry show I'm trying to get ready for, stories colliding off each other in my head, more music than I know what to do with. But...

I'm so distracted. I'm bouncing off the walls. I wander back and forth through my house and try to figure out what to do with myself.

I decide I need to burn some of this energy of by going for a walk. I grab my keys and but on my shoes, but can't even get near the door.

It's like I'm trapped in my own manic inertia. I keep pacing. Living room, kitchen, bedroom, kitchen, living room, kitchen, bedroom, kitchen, living room, kitchen.

I make a side trip to the bathroom and look in the mirror for no reason. I look at myself and think that I may bathe, since I haven't done so for about 3 days. Shower, wash my hair, brush my teeth, shave, but on clean clothes and be ready for the world again. Then I decide not.

I wander back into the living room and turn off the stereo, the noise is making me nervous. It's off now, but I'm still nervous. I run my hands through my hair incessantly, contemplating a haircut.

I turn off the lights and open the shades, letting natural light flood into my small house. I go down to the basement and back up again.

What am I looking for?

Everything. Nothing. Anything.

I stand in my living room and take off my shirt and drop my pants. I'm in front of the big window. I stand there in my boxers, shaking, running my hands through my hair, taking my glasses off and putting them back on again.

In the kitchen I stick my head under the tap and try to calm down. I stand up and whip my head around, getting everything wet. I reach my arms out and close my eyes, water cascading down my back and chest.

I sit down on the floor exhausted and all keyed up. Where am I? I open the cabinet doors, sticking my legs inside and lay back with my head under the table.

Oh, now I know where I am. Nowhere.

[This message has been edited by Dano (edited May 31, 2000).]

[Dano]

My mother cries when I let her read my work. "Why are you so sad, Daniel?"

I tell her that I'm really not, it's just that sometimes when I am, I write things down and they allow me to release my feelings and feel better.

She just sits there and shakes her head and I have to hug her and reassure her, even though I know she doesn't believe me.

My brother's a an artist too. Not a writer like me, but a painter. She tells me that his work isn't as sad as mine. I tell her that his work is ver different, and more subjective, more abstract, the viewer can instill within it whatever they like. My work is more concrete, more immediate, words that everyone knows, exposing feelings more concisely. Just because he uses bright colors doesn't make his work happy.

Happy doesn't last. Hapiness comes and goes, just like sadness or anger or joy or sorrow. Most people just float along in a limbo of balance, thinking that it is a dolldrum, a depression, when in reality it is merely a plateau, an open space.

Balance.

I don't write when I'm happy. I'm too busy enjoying happiness. Happiness usually comes when I'm in the middle of something enjoyable. Reading, listening to music, being with my friends, talking to my girlfriend, having sex, eating, whatever. Sadness comes when nothing is happening. Lethargy, static surroundings. So I take the feelings that creep up and get them out, giving them words as a shape, a body to enter the world into.

They'll hopefully last much longer than I will. Ernest Hemmingway and W.H. Auden and Abraham Lincoln and Socrates and Beowulf and Mark Twain and Emily Dickinson and H.P. Lovecraft all died far before their work did. The body is mortal, fallable, finite. The soul and the words that it creates are eternal.

My grandchildren's grandchildren one day will read the works of great writers just as I did, and maybe I'll be in that textbook with them.

It's just a thought...

[Miral]

Profound. Happiness occurs when I'm with other people...it's in the moment. Sadness creeps up behind me...while I'm alone. I understand that fully. I really do not write when I'm happy. I have never shared any of my writings with my family. I don't want them to know. It took me this long to understand them and not hate them anymore. I would reveal too much leaving myself exposed to them and I don't like that vulnerability with them.
Enough about me...
That was good...like I said profound

[Chilimuffin]

thank you.

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"carpe jugulum" - terry pratchett

"but truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going."
-dar williams

"I will always be me; I will always be new."
-delmore schwartz

[NecroFlash]

oob... i like it...
*many many hugs*

and i agree, one usually doesn't have much time to sit down and write about how happy one is at that very moment... hence why a lot of stuff is either sad or abstract and the like...

oob

[LAMECH]

Dano, bathe, man, bathe. Personally, I always feel better after a good shower.

P.S. I love the diary thing. Keep it up.

[neomel]

happiness isnt just in the moment , its in the memory as well - otherwise how would we know whether weve been / we are happy or not ?

the mel

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i dont suffer from insanity i enjoy every minute of it

do not fear your enemies . the worst they can do is kill you . do not fear friends . at worst they may betray you . fear those who do not care ; they neither kill nor betray but betrayal and murder exist because of thier silent consent .

[This message has been edited by neomel (edited June 02, 2000).]

[erisesoteric]

peace. Breathe deep, and meet me on the other side.

[gollum]

"happiness is being sad together."
-tadeusz borowski

[Chilimuffin]

being sad together? that implies you can only be happy with someone else... how sad that would be, on a lot of levels. happiness prolly becomes a lot easier if you're easily amused... and if you live in the moment, because you can't experience it if you're already looking beyond it.... yeah.. deep thoughts in the morning. gah.

------------------
"carpe jugulum" - terry pratchett

"but truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going."
-dar williams

"I will always be me; I will always be new."
-delmore schwartz